Kingdom Hearts II Crack Fic
by KousukeAsazuki
Summary: Pretty much what the title says. Random insanity involving the Organization [ALL OF THEM]. AxelDemyx and XaldinAxel mentioned. R&R!


Random inspiration and lack of sleep. Rock on, crack fics! Enjoy!

Warning: You'll be scarred, perhaps. Umm... singing, dancing, and emo-teasing. Not to mention glitter and glomping! Have fun!

Pairings: Slight AxelDemyx and slightly XaldinAxel (don't ask).

Disclaimer: I own it all. That's right, it's all mine, what now? No, really, I don't.

Songs: "If I Only Had A Heart" from the Wizard of Oz, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred, and "The Emo Song" by Adam and Andrew

* * *

"Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!" The blonde yelled, running down the halls of what had become the siblings' home. 

The only sister of the group dashed after the boy, narrowing her eyes, "Give it back, you idiot!" came the yell. Larxene had been chasing Demyx for nearly ten minutes trying to retrieve the item that had been caught in his hair by an extremely unfortunate event.

Unfortunately for Demyx, a door halted his progress anymore as it swung open, the occupant of the room emerging into the hallway to see the commotion, "What's all the fuss about?" he yawned. A screech answered his question as Demyx began furiously batting at his hair to dislodge the small, white item. Axel blinked a few times before snorting, "Demyx, what the hell is in your ha-" Before he could finish, Larxene launched herself onto the poor boy, tackling him to the ground.

"Get if ooooooooooooooffffffffffffffffffffff!" Demyx yelled once more, finally swiping the personal product onto the floor next to him.

Larxene, however, wasn't finished with the intruder and growled, "_What _do you think you were doing in my room?" she demanded.

"I was just looking for something." He defended himself, frightened of the manly woman.

"You _never _invade a girl's room, and you _never ever _go into her bathroom." The flames were now erupting around her as she seethed. If there was one rule everyone in the house knew, it was never go into Larxene's room without her permission.

"Oh man." Demyx groaned, scooting back more to bump into Axel's legs. He looked up, pleadingly, at the red-haired teen, begging him to help.

"Uhh..." Axel looked around for an opening to leave, "Run away!" he yelled, dashing down the hallway.

"Wha-... you traitor!" the blonde yelled after the retreating form, "Don't steal my lines!" His sights then snapped back to his sister as she held up her hand, holding a dagger between each finger and grinning evilly at the torture she was about to dish out.

That was, until her cloak was tugged on by a hand. She whipped around to see who dared to touch her until she saw who it was: Marluxia. He bounced up and down excitedly and pulled on her hand, "Larxy, don't fight, it's too early." He whined, pouting slightly.

Lowering her hand, the light-haired woman sighed and hooked an arm around Marluxia's waist, "Fine, fine." She conceded, glaring at Demyx, "Lucky." She hissed.

The still frightened boy ran after his brightly haired brother as fast as he could, putting as much distance between himself and Larxene as he could.

"Baby." The blonde muttered, looking back to her brother, "So why stop me?" she wondered, "You usually laugh when Demyx gets his ass handed to him by a girl."

A snicker had to be suppressed at the truth in that statement, but Marluxia just shook his head, "I was thinking we could go shopping." He answered, tilting his head and smiling hopefully, "I need more of my special shampoo and I know this _adorable _little purse that would just go _wonders _with your cloak." A grin crossed his features, "And maybe later we can go to the movies or get our nails done!"

An exasperated sigh left the woman's lips, "Marly, you know I don't do that stuff." At the pout reforming on the other's lips, she caved, "But for you..."

"Oooh, yay!" he cheered, intertwining their fingers and skipping down the hall, basically dragging Larxene with him, "This'll be sooooo much fun!" The blonde could only chuckle at her brother-- of all her other siblings, he was the only one who knew how to have some real fun.

As the two made their exit, the eldest of the thirteen siblings made his way out of his room, sighing slightly dramatically. The innocent, and youngest, boy that just so happened to hear the sound was immediately sucked into the never-ending rants Xemnas could put out. The good, not to mention naive, brother that he was, Roxas bit, "What's wrong?"

The tanned man glanced to his younger brother, "I was just thinking..."

"Thinking what?" Roxas wondered, still not understanding why everyone tried to avoid Xemnas.

Just then, said man gave the dirty-blonde every reason he would ever need. He closed his eyes before looking out the window and singing loudly,

"When a man's an empty kettle

He should be on his mettle

And yet I'm torn apart

Just because I'm presumin'

That I could be kind-a human

If I only had a heart.

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle

And awful sentimental

Regarding love and art

I'd be friends with the sparrows

And the boy who shoots the arrows,

If I only had a heart."

He began dancing then, spinning around in circles as one would in a waltz. Another brother, Saix, exited his room at that time, flipping his hair and before he could escape, Xemnas grabbed his wrist and spun him with him, hooking his other arm around the blue-haired man's waist.

"Picture me ... a balcony ...

Above a voice sings low--

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

Saix looked slightly annoyed at his elder brother, but didn't voice his problem; it wouldn't have done any good. He looked then to Roxas, who was slowly backing away from the twirling pair. Before the shorter boy could run away, Saix grabbed him by his arm and shoved him into Xemnas, without saying a word, and walked off.

Not noticing that his dancing partner had changed, the silver-haired man continued to belt out his song.

"I hear a beat.

How sweet!

Just to register emotion.

"Jealousy," "devotion"

And really feel the part

I could stay young and chipper

And I'd lock it with a zipper

If I only had a heart."

Once he was finished, he looked down to Roxas. The boy simply tilted his head in confusion and blinked, "Huh?" he wondered.

"Hm." Xemnas muttered, as if he were now lost in thought and walked off in the opposite direction of Saix, still humming his trademark song.

Sweatdropping, Roxas shook his head, _"Strange brothers." _He thought, then blinked once more as he heard music coming from the living room. Not sure he wanted to know, but not finding anything better to do, he made his way into the main room of the house. He immediately wished he hadn't. Seated on the couch were Axel and Demyx, the former with his arm slung over the back of the couch, both with their eyes trained in front of them. Vexen was there as well, standing with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall. The three (now four) of them were all watching the same thing: Xaldin.

One of the man's lances was floating in the middle of the room and he was grabbing it, spinning around much like a pole dancer. The beat was pounding through the room.

_I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love_

_Love's going to leave me_

_I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt_

_So sexy it hurts_

_And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan_

_New York and Japan_

_And I'm too sexy for your party_

_Too sexy for your party_

_No way I'm disco dancing_

His braids whipped around as he smirked and tugged the zipper on his cloak down to show his chest, black hair very visible where the skin had been exposed. He chuckled at the stares he was getting, not caring why he was getting them.

_I'm a model you know what I mean_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk_

_Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah_

_I do my little turn on the catwalk_

_I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car_

_Too sexy by far_

_And I'm too sexy for my hat_

_Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that_

Axel chuckled as the robe slipped down, leaving a pair of dark blue boxers with black hearts all over and a tight fitting black beater shirt. He grabbed the bottle from Demyx and finished it off, earning him a glare from the water controller. Xaldin winked at the redhead as he teasingly pulled up the bottom of his shirt.

_I'm a model you know what I mean_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk_

_Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah_

_I shake my little tushy on the catwalk_

_I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my_

The thin shirt came flying off and landing gracefully on Axel's head, courtesy of Xaldin's wind control. Roxas, shaking his head of the daze he had been in at seeing the muscular man strip, made his way over to the sanest one in the room. He looked at Xaldin once more before turning his attention fully to Vexen, "Do I want to know?"

The long-haired man rolled his eyes and motioned to a few beer bottles at the stripping one's feet, explaining everything without a word. He then scoffed, "I could do better."

Now afraid of even more of his brothers, Roxas ventured away from the living room at Axel's wolf whistle and Demyx's cat call. As he made his way toward the (hopefully) safer part of the house. Unfortunately, he arrived around Luxord's room the same time the man was walking out in a slight frantic. Obviously not learning his lesson, he asked once more, "What's wrong?"

Being caught off guard, Luxord narrowed his eyes slightly, _"Great, busted." _He then relaxed slightly, _"Even if anyone listens to his rantings, they won't pay attention to him or they'll just think he's crazy." _He looked back down to him, "It's nothing, I just got something on my cloak."

Blue eyes blinked, "What?" He'd always thought Luxord was careful, and he doubted he was a sloppy eater.

He sighed annoyed, and turned around, showing a grayish stain on his shoulder, "Bleach."

"Bleach?" he parroted. It only took him a moment to register his meaning, "You bleach your hair?"

"Shut up." The blonde hissed, "Don't say that."

Roxas held back a snicker, "You need a new cloak." He offered.

"I _know _that, I don't have anymore." He grumbled, "I gave my last one to Demyx."

"Huh? Demyx? Why?"

"I don't know, he asked for it and I gave it to him to shut him up." He answered.

_"Jeez, he's nice." _The shorter one thought, but just shrugged, "Well, he's out in the living room. Though..."

Before the youngest could finish his warning, Luxord pushed him toward the room of pain, "Go get it and bring it to me." With that, he disappeared back into his room.

About ten minutes later, a knock sounded on that same door. At his order, Roxas entered carrying an extra cloak, "Uh..." he started, but didn't know quite how to voice the problem.

"What? Give it to me." Luxord demanded, holding his hand out, expectantly.

"Alright..." Not wanting to stick around any longer, he quickly tossed the cloak to the older one and dashed out.

A few minutes later, Luxord left his room, looking very pissed and stalked toward the living room. Luckily for him, Xaldin had put his shirt and cloak back on, though it remained unzipped. He was now lounging next to Axel, who was looking a little too interested in his drunken state. Demyx was next to the pair, looking pissed at how close the two were.

He had other problems, though, as Luxord entered the room dressed in his new cloak. Demyx had to snort at his masterpiece. Green glitter was attached on the bottom of his cloak all along the bottom in flower patterns and blue glitter in star patterns zigzagged around the zipper. To compliment the sparkles, two bright red, shiny stones were glued to the chest of the cloak where his nipples were.

The blonde didn't seem to find it quite as funny as he waved his hand. In an instant, Demyx was transformed into a six sided die. Axel blinked and looked down at his boyfriend before nudging him with his foot. The Demyx-dice rolled onto his foot and bumped up against his leg, causing the redhead to snicker. Xaldin simply rolled his eyes and shoved the Demyx-dice down the hall with his foot. Axel watched his boyfriend roll away in dice form before returning his attention to Xaldin's hand, which was currently sliding up his thigh.

Chuckling, the drunk, black-haired man leaned into Axel and nipped his ear hard. Before he knew what was happening, one of his braids lit on fire. He jumped up and screamed, beating at his head to put out the flame. The brightly haired teen just smirked as the other man ran out of the room as even more locks of hair started to burn, "Sorry, dear, I'm Demyx's." He called after the older man.

Outside, Lexaeus had hidden from the rest of the house in their garden. He was currently tending to a powder gray bunny that had hurt its leg and was limping across the path. He finished tieing the bandage around its foot and pet it gently, "There." He said with a nod, scratching under its chin, "All better." The creature looked up to him for a moment and sniffed his hand before biting down hard on it, drawing blood. It then proceeded to hop off into the nearby woods, leaving Lexaeus to stare at the blood dripping down his finger. He watched it for a moment before sniffling and running inside, bawling loudly as the ground shook around him.

Zexion looked up from the corner he was sitting in, annoyed. Sighing, he glanced back down to the book in his hands and scribbling in it.

Xemnas walked past the younger one and couldn't stop himself from picking fun. So, he began talking,"Dear Diary:

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiraling downward. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert. It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You' and 'Rip Apart My Soul' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab'. And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thingy. Like that guy from that band can do. Some days, you know..."

At that moment, Xigbar came up behind the silver-haired boy and started singing,

"I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be

You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me

I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face

I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs

'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag

I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag

'Cause our dudes look like chicks, and our chicks look like dykes

'Cause emo is one step below transvestite!

Stop my breathing and slit my throat

I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows

I must be emo"

Zexion looked in annoyance at the two before ignoring them once more. However, that wasn't enough as Axel and a once-again-people-shaped Demyx heard the two and decided to join in. The redhead chuckled and continued where his brother left off.

"'m dark, and sensitive with low self-esteem

The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween

I have no real problems but I like to make believe

I stole my sister's mascara now I'm grounded for a week

Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies

I can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing

Girls keep breaking up with me, it's never any fun

They say they already have a pussy, they don't need another one

Stop my breathing and slit my throat

I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows

I must be emo

Dye in my hair and polish on my toes

I must be emo

I play guitar and write suicide notes

I must be emo"

Taking the hint, Demyx joined in.

"My life is just a black abyss, you know, it's so dark. And it's suffocating me. Grabbing ahold of me and tightening its grip, tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans... which look great on my by the way.

When I get depressed I cut my wrists in every direction

Hearing songs about getting dumped give me an erection

I write in a live journal and wear thick rimmed glasses

I told my friends I bleed black and cry during classes

I'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth

You can read me "Catcher in the Rye," and watch me jack off

I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life

If I said I like girls, I'd only be half right!"

Not wanting to miss out on all the fun, Xaldin snickered at the now irritated Zexion.

"I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo

I must be emo

Screw XBox, I play old school Nintendo

I must be emo

I like to whine and hate my parentals

I must be emo

Me and my friends all look like clones

I must be E-Mo

My parents just don't get me, you know. They think I'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy. Well, a couple guys. But I mean, it's the 2000s. Can't 2... or 4 dudes make-out with each other without being gay? I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways. I don't know diary, sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me, you're my best friend..."

Sighing and now fed up with his brothers, the silent one stood, rolling his eyes at their childish antics. He was just about to escape into the sanctity of his room before Roxas passed by the group, muttering something about tacos. This, of course, caused the rest to bust up laughing and Zexion to glide through his door, securing himself from the outside world.

* * *

And that's where it shall be ended. Random, insane, I know. Hope you all liked it, and remember, this is what they do around other people, you don't want to catch them alone! 


End file.
